I am not sure how to be a working graduate student, but I guess I am doing it. 40 + hours a week actually. I am working as a TA in a writing program at UCSD, I work as adjunct faculty at Miramar College and, of course, I am working on my own research in the capacity of a graduate student. The schedule is mind numbing to say the least, which leaves very little sometimes for my graduate research, let alone any semblance of a social life. I do have a social life, but mostly it revolves around my family and my partner because to do much more than that, is 1) difficult to sustain, and 2) means sacrificing time from some immediate need. Relationships after all, just like careers, require attention and maintenance. In order to not get overwhelmed by the endless pile of work, and the pressure that tells me that no matter what I do, it is never enough, I try and stay in the "now". Sounds very California-groovy, I know, but it is really the best mode to be in in the circumstances. Be here. Do what you have to do now.
To be in the "now" for me means that for whatever activity I am engaged in, I try to be fully engaged. I avoid thinking about 3 hours ahead of where I am, let alone a week. If I do, then those added hours or days or weeks come loaded with everything that will need to be accomplished in those hours and I will likely have a minor melt down. Meeting with students, grading endless 10 page papers, office hours, calling family members so that they know I am not dead, writing/researching, bracketing off quality time for my partner so he knows he is loved and appreciated and so we are connected, looking after the health and well being of my 13 year old dog, meeting with my advisor, taking care of bills, watering the plants, fixing broken cars, agreeing to social engagements when possible, finding sanity/me time (usually gardening), being involved in meaningful community work, staying engaged within my department's intellectual life and, well, the list goes on. I cannot think about all of it all of the time. So, I don't. Usually. Unless it is 10 o'clock at night and the "get off your ass" fairies have decided to buzz around my head just as I am trying to lay down and get some winks. I hate those guys.
Being in the now also means little to no drama. It means assuming that the friends you would love to hang out with, understand, which they usually do. It means clamping down on the drive to be everything to everybody all of the time. It means making a phone call instead of making a dinner party. Being in the now produces some ability to find sanity. Really it does. And sanity is no small thing. Whenever I find myself spinning dangerously on the edge of some freak-out mode, I realize that it is because I have let my brain run away and focus on all that needs to get done instead of what has been done and what is getting done now. This is not to say that I don't ever think about the future. That would be stupid. I do have to, on occasion, look up and take an assessment, make plans and set goals. I survey my social and work landscape and then return to the now.
I have not always been someone who has known how to be in the now. As a consumate daydreamer and high energy individual who doesn't naturally know how to say "no"to demands, this process has been a long time in coming. I think I've really learned how to be in the "now" through my body. The body is a great teacher. Running, soccer, hiking, gardening, surfing, diving, cycling have all served to keep me healthy, release stress and occupy myself with some singular goal and mostly some immediate goal. When I am doing any one of these things, I have found that there is a tremendous relaxation. Running relaxing you ask? Yes! The stress that running places on my body occupies me in such a way that after the run I feel like my brain has been given space. This is also true of the other activities I mention. And since in my current line of work it is the brain that is the culprit of a lot of hijinks, this break is tremendously important. It focuses my stress elsewhere in other words, and the result is a fitter mind and fitter body. I feel like I have room to breathe after physical exertion. Except for gyms...those stress me out...and they immediately have me analyzing the fetishizing of particular bodies through the discipline of standardized workout equipment. To say nothing of the stress of paying another bill when all I have to do is walk out of my own front door. But I digress.
I am thinking of the now quite a bit this week because I am at the end of a quarter at one school and the end of a semester at another. This translates into a lot of grading, much more than usual, on top of the usual demands of meaningful instruction. I am also on the verge of qualifying and I need to hone my papers and arguments in order to do that successfully. So, if you are in the same or similar predicament I am in, my advice to you is just put your head down, look up on occasion, and then move forward again. Sit in front of your desk now. Pick up that article now. Reading for 20 minutes comes and goes. Your back aches so you stand up. The wind is knocking the bamboo wind chimes together. Your dog is staring at you so you smile at her. You look down at the article and read for another 20 minutes. You feel like having chocolate and walking aimlessly around the backyard. Your legs ache for a stretch. You do that, now. You feel the dirt under your feet, the chocolate on your tongue and your heart expands. You're done with your chocolate, the phone rings and you answer it. You talk to your sister for 20 minutes. You hang up. You have had a real break, time to get back to work. The article beckons as does the couch. You read there. So nice to read and look out of the window. Commodity fetish has a lot to offer your details on Volk Fetish. Your mind flutters and writes as you read. And so you keep going in the now.
Without staring at all the little details of the "must dos" in the days and weeks and months ahead your capacity to deal with what is in front of you increases, meaning your overall "now" awareness increases. I have found that: you will find time to breathe this way, you will find time to make love, to stop and smell the sage, and to notice that your neighbor smiled at you. Because when you are in the now, you never know what your heart will latch onto, but trust that it will, and that it will be wonderful and that in another moment you will be back handling life's demands like you always do. Sometimes things will get to be too much, and you'll need to take it all in to reassess, and after that yucky exercise you might need to say "fuck it" and go to bed early or watch a movie. And that is OK too.
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